| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|10:59 pm] |
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it's 51 degrees here in lakeland, with 80% humidity. do you know what that means? not only are we cold, but we're wet. i can not get warm these days. i need a space heater or heated blanket. or something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|12:27 am] |
i made these cookies. you know, the peanut butter cookies with hershey's kisses pressed into them? i had a ton of hershey's kisses left over, and i didn't think i would eat them, and i told myself not to eat them, but i've been eating them all night.
i don't even like them.
something about their texture is really getting to me, and the way they kind of burn my mouth.
also, i love scrubs and chuck. scrubs starts back up this tuesday night at 9pm on abc, and chuck starts again in january on nbc. these are the things i think about when i'm not crying because i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. |
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| it is only about the food. |
[Nov. 26th, 2009|07:40 pm] |
after living together for five years, jeffery and i had our first thanksgiving dinner together at home, just the two of us.
( Read more... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|03:21 am] |
it could have gone either way.
my broken heart is far behind me. i've moved on, now. we've moved on, now. we're all alive and well, now. don't fall in love with everyone you meet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|01:36 am] |
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these days are rough. the hormones are killing me. jeffery wants to be an archaeologist. i'm tired, and it's been a long day. i want to live in hawaii. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|11:35 pm] |
when people walk up and say, "do you have decaf?" and then, i say, "yes." and then, they nod, or they say, "okay." i know they mean, "i would like a decaf coffee, please." but i can't stand it, and i reply by saying, "do you mean that you want to have some decaf coffee?"
and then i just feel like a jerk.
but the whole point in forcing us to answer questions with full sentences when we were children, was to teach us how to communicate. why didn't it stick?
don't you DARE walk up to me and blurt out, "small coffee." |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2009|01:51 pm] |
and sometimes it's hard, because i just don't want to eat. i wish i had a soy meal replacement drink, but you know they all have to have milk in them. i don't get it.
when my stomach doesn't hurt, i haven't eaten in hours. i feel good, but i'm running out of energy, i guess. i wish there was an attractive compromise.
the skin on my face looks so papery and dry. i feel frail lately. i guess it's the weather. my lips are chapped. it's not even cold. it's just kind of dry.
once you get used to swimming through the air, you can't breathe when the atmoshphere dries out.
if you're born here in florida, are you given gills? that's how i feel. i'm all dried out. i wasn't born in florida. i was born in ohio. i want to go back to ohio, but it's too cold for me. it's too cold here in florida and it's not cold at all.
what i'm saying is, i'm hungry, and i wish i had some vegetable broth or chicken broth, or maybe just some white rice. eating now, it's going to make me sick. i'm going to eat anyway, because i have no other option.
i just wish things were different. and sometimes i get really sad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|02:29 pm] |
every time someone walks up to me here, at the hospital, and asks me for a vanilla bean frappuccino (a drink consisting of milk, vanilla flavoring, and ice, that is blended in a blender, kind of like a slushy or a milkshake), i point across the way to a bakery that makes milkshakes. i tell them, "i can't make vanilla bean frappuccinos, but they make milkshakes over there." almost every time, the person scrunches their face up at me, and says, "nevermind, it's just not the same."
i will never, ever understand that obsession with starbucks. i will never understand that people need a certain thing that is a lot like another thing, but the oter thing just will not do.
i don't get it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|11:14 am] |
tomorrow is my first day off in a week. it doesn't bother me. working three days a week at starbucks has been like having three days off. i don't go into work until three or six in the afternoon, which is like... it's like heaven. i get to sleep as late as i want to or wake up early, and i can go to the store, wash my car, lay on the couch in my pajamas all day, whatever. i could drive to tallahassee and back if i felt like it. i do like tallahassee. i can do whatever i want all day long, then i work at the end of the day. i never knew i could love that so much.
i love it. i feel so free. it's luxurious.
sometimes i miss matt shaw. i can admit it now, but maybe not later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|12:11 am] |
this is the thing, i am from here. i am part of here. i am here. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to know this person that knows that person that knows that person that i knew in seventh grade. it makes me uncomfortable.
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| it's not true. it's my brain. im good at a lot of things. i'm going lots of places. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|09:19 am] |
leadership, leadership, leadership. future business leaders of america. reach for the stars. reach for excellence.
reach, lead.
lead, lead.
how did you get there?
how did we get here?
i never joined a club. i didn't understand people my age. i didn't understand anything, and no one ever noticed. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know how to do it.
always winging it. only brief moments of clarity, calm, zen.
i have always hated my job, every job i have had. even painting glassware, i complained about it. it's the feeling that i belong to someone else. all i am getting is a paycheck. i'm trading days of my life for a paycheck and i don't care at all about what i am doing, or who i am doing it for. and i am very, very uncomfortable doing it.
i'm so tired. i'm falling. i'm failing. i want to be sleeping, but i'm not. i want to be sleeping, but i'm not.
no one.
someone.
everyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|12:56 pm] |
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lisa was the kind of friend, who would invite you over to her house and eat things in front of you, not offering you anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|06:53 am] |
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while most of the time, i consider having crohn's disease to be similar to having a hangnail, there are times when i can't get to sleep at night without crying for an hour because of the pain and frustration. mostly the frustration. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|02:30 pm] |
outwardly exposed
nerve endings ended
going to sleep with thin bones
thin skinned skinned me.
forward, upwardly mobile,
who says that?
and what does it mean?
growing scared and moving along.
scared and moving along. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|06:43 pm] |
it's almost done. the day is almost over. i'm sitting here, at my coffee counter. i am tired.
the swine flu is all over the place. people with thier face masks.
i'm tired.
i wish i was free. i wish i could be free. i wish i could just go. there are too many things. disease. what are you supposed to do, when you'd die without a pill? how are you supposed to be free?
i am tired.
i don't understand these people. these young people. i'm not getting old, but i am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|05:15 pm] |
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i have to get out of this town. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|03:07 pm] |
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i do this thing, where i think i know what i'm talking about. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|05:37 pm] |
life.
my head hurts.
i feel it all.
it's not even my own.
it's the past wrapped 'round to greet me,
eye to eye, to kill me.
my hearts been broken many times.
i can't help it.
we're lost causes and
hopelessly wrapped.
in and out of others' lives,
we can't help it.
it just is. |
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| on the grid, in a grid, fit the role, close the box, bury me deep. |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|02:27 am] |
sometimes i still just get so fucking sad.
too much responsibility. i can't be responsible for everyone's happiness or well being. i feel so responsible for it all. i should leave it alone, leave it to them. i should not try to make people happy, safe, secure, sound. i can't create it. i can't destroy it. it's all just an illusion, it always was. it's not me, it's you. i'm not the reason you're happy, you are. you are happy because you are an incredible human being. i am just a reflection back at you. i am nothing. it's not me, it's you. you're you.
i can't be very many places at once. i can't hold too many strings together before something breaks. my emotions have always been fragile, and hiding them away to pretend that they're strong, well that was just an illusion, like i said. my emotions are, i am, still incredibly fragile. kind of unstable. not the most reliable.
but, god, i will hold on with everything that i have, just to prove a motherfucking point. but. there are no points to prove. there are hands to hold, and everything is going to be okay. i am not as sad as i used to be. and okay, maybe my emotions have had some workouts, and they just happen to be stronger than they were, they're still unmistakably fragile as far as emotions go. they wobble around inside of me like fucking weebles.
what is it with me saying fuck all of the time, now?
it's just a phase, and i like it.
i don't know.
it seems appropriate.
multiple choice. i always loved multiple choice. it was always pretty obvious. tests were never made to teach you anything other than how to take tests. i guess i'll go back to school. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|11:09 pm] |
i've got you beat
i can't remember when we met
meet, meet me there
in our memory's memory
i've lost mine,
and you gave yours away
chemically enhance
i remember you from before
when we all still believed in magic, and you fell asleep in the closet hoping your mother wouldn't find you and think you were crazy
it's okay to be crazy
i remember you from before
i remember you from now, right now
if i saw your face, you'd know it was true
connections are made without spoken words
and we are the same |
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| scars/melanin |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|11:35 pm] |
i miss you absurdly, right now.
i wish i could explain to you, how you make me feel.
what you made me feel.
what i felt.
beauty and sex and breathing and light.
warm folds of light.
all over.
bare skin, soft and spotted.
i'd tell you, i love you,
but that's not what i mean.
there are things with no words to explain them.
that's what i mean.
and it's not fair to the world.
i could run away, but.
i wont do it.
because i said i wouldn't.
i'm a lady of my word.
a real live woman.
more than anything,
i tell you the truth about how i'm feeling.
i like to daydream at work.
one day it wont be this way,
and that is why i tell you i love you,
even though that is not what i mean.
what i mean
is
bigger and not smaller.
not small. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|02:59 am] |
upstream swimming, counting chickens.
or was it eggs?
i can't remember.
focus on this.
try to remember.
the way words flow and thoughts spark.
up and out and over again.
she never was the same. |
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| you'll never find her now. |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|06:25 am] |
powder your skin,
cover your greys,
grow your fingernails long,
and paint them pink.
paint it all pink.
someone else picked out your name.
someone told your mother
work was for boys.
told you smart was for boys.
don't.
be sad, get up, walk away,
down the street,
out of her life.
stand up staight, crooked back.
she has a crooked brain,
she loved you anyway.
you drive past her street.
it's dark. it's late. it's too late.
she doesn't live there anymore.
you should have turned around.
when the dip turns me face down,
i think about change.
i think about bending my fingers backwards until they break. the layers of supposed mistakes make me feel something like throwing rocks through windows. make me feel like running, screaming, crashing heavy things into plates.
i used to have dreams about destruction. ripping apart buildings and cars with my hands. always regretting it. it was about matt shaw, then. i was sure of that.
what am i sure of now? downward spirals and slippery slopes. for the first time in ten years, i wake up.
i wake up.
i stand up, i move my legs. i am not alone. i am okay. the weight became bearable. i shed the layers that didn't matter, forget about the ones i left laying.
sneaky layers. sneaky brain.
it's all the same. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2009|06:25 am] |
my dad used to say this rhyme to me,
"red head, pee the bed,
five cents a loaf of bread."
kids used to say that to him when he was little. my dad is an interesting man. me, my stomach hurts.
i don't belong here. i don't belong anywhere. i wish i could be like him and just wander the earth. wander and wonder, write poems and not worry about making it to work on time. i was late again today. i will probably be late again, ten more days in a row, because this fault has been cracked open. if no one mentions it to me, i don't think about it, and i can act like a normal person, get to work on time, work hard, smile, nice and polite.
it's just that, i can not understand time. or space. i can not understand this place, these people, the things that matter. showing up for work early, going to college, making a lot of money, driving new cars, planning a family, wearing a ring. most of all, time.
i don't understand. i should just leave. join a cult, live in a commune, forget about time, forget about space. rules. fuck.
fuck it. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2009|11:49 pm] |
sometimes at night, after jeffery leaves, i enjoy the time alone. i like to wash dishes and watch television on the internet. but sometimes, i sit here and i feel like a really long sigh. and that is all.
deviated, blue lights glide.
filter, seperate, divide.
sometimes, somewhere,
i used to, i always do, and never.
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| living in the back of my head, there he sits. |
[May. 15th, 2009|01:12 am] |
i'm just afraid. and i don't think about it much anymore. the way he said he'd do it, but he'd lived too long, he was too committed to life. he said he'd just kill himself to make it all make sense. he was always a liar. and i was always a dream.
far away and years later, i don't think about it much anymore. the things that used to define me. who i am and who i will be and who i wont be. i just don't think about it much anymore. i guess this happens sometimes, but i never though it could happen to me. i never thought i would stop thinking. i never thought i would just feel, instead.
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2009|01:17 pm] |
i have found a lot of websites on crohn's disease. most of them are annoying. i do not want to let this disease define me. i do not let this disease define me. i found this feature, through angerburger.com. it's the best article i've found concerning crohn's disease, so far. these people talk about things that i have gone through, am going through. for example, one of the ladies, talks about how her doctors always diagnosed her with an iron deficiency. for years, i saw doctors because of exhaustion, they would tell me that i was perfect, but my iron was low. they never tried to figure out why my iron was low, or how to fix it. they never told me to take iron pills, and come back in a month to see if they had helped me. they would tell me to take a multi-vitamin and get some sleep.
i've probably had crohn's disease for a very long time.
www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/08/27/health/healthguide/TE_CROHNS_CLIPS.html
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|12:09 pm] |
i used to wonder how people did it. how people lived. how people balanced everything.
i am beginning to understand. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|11:00 am] |
i don't know how i feel about any of this.
when i am old, will i wear my hair short in tightly wound curls?
2005 was a good year. i have been reading.
http://zorphblat.livejournal.com/2005/01/02/
http://zorphblat.livejournal.com/652753.html
mostly, i feel too inhibited these days. honesty seeps from my pores, but it's not the honesty that beauty brought. i had just grown too weary, with headaches and heartaches and long days.
he's teaching me to remember to remember myself. to remember who i am and who i was, and why. i've been in love many times. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|12:40 pm] |
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work is slow. my shoulder hurts. the air is stale here, next to the mental health ward. i'm wating for someone to come by, to say hi, and hoping the summer wont burn us all down. my shoulder throbs. i get tired of faces, but today it's like summer. it's all dirty knees, and sun kissed cheeks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2009|09:11 am] |
the waiting room is full, to the top.
there are four free seats, and my skin is crawling. |
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| be careful. |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|01:55 am] |
i guess this is kind of going around, i don't know. i love the office. i don't care.
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|11:29 pm] |
i just want to be like water.
but i'm not. i'm just not. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|11:49 am] |
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i think my dog broke his leg. or really sprained it. or it's infected.
i have to take him to a vet. i hate that. i don't like paying 200 dollars for someone to put my dog on antibiotics. how much will it cost me if he needs xrays? i don't really know what to do. i wish there were someone that kind of did house calls, and didn't charge for all of the fluff. i don't want to pay for a "beautiful facility", a new building, new tile floors, or something else that i really can't understand. i just want my dog to be okay, and out of pain. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2009|11:25 pm] |
all i want to eat is cake and cookies and ice cream and cheddar cheese.
i am going to be in so much trouble. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|11:28 pm] |
i wish people blogged more. like when we were younger, and we didn't have careers or kids. none of us were married or even dating anyone seriously. we weren't afraid that we didn't seem smart or cool or grown-up. we weren't afraid that our house wasn't as nice as our friends. we weren't afraid that our failed relationships would cause people to think we were just stupid whores. we weren't afraid to just let it out. the angst and the love and the poetry that just pulled us along. we were just free to type our thoughts out to everyone and no one, and we were some of the most prolific young people.
god, i feel old. i feel old and dry and thin and tired. kind of. |
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| wacky wednesday. |
[Feb. 4th, 2009|11:06 pm] |
i've been wearing the same coat for seven or eight years. two of the buttons have fallen off. i replaced one a couple years ago. tonight, i am replacing them all. i bought this coat for twenty dollars at target. seven or eight years later...
i had to turn the heat on. it's supposed to get into the twenties tonight.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2009|05:17 pm] |
i kind of wish that i had been born and raised in new york.
there is just something about (my romanticized idea of) the people from there.
i'm hungry, at work, and afraid to try something from the cafeteria. also, it's freezing. it's too cold for me. my hips hurt. i'm an old, old lady. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|03:02 am] |
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i ate chicken wings tonight, for pretty much the first time ever. i will never, ever do it again. i am so grossed out, and can't believe i ate them. |
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